I know. It’s been about 8 months or so since I have updated this. I’ve thought about updating over and over again, but each time I try I seem unable to find the words. Here’s the thing. I finished treatment in January of this year. (WOOOOOO!!!!!!) Each and everyday following my diagnosis I counted down to “the end of it all”, which I was positive was the end of my treatment. Man I could not have been more wrong. Everything from my diagnosis through the end of my “treatment” was NON STOP. I could hardly breathe somedays. As painful and terrifying as all of that was, the challenges I face now on some days feel much harder to overcome.
My diagnosis and all that entailed was so emotionally and physically draining. I pushed through each day and each step of the way knowing that as I crossed these things off of my list the closer I was to being healthy again and BEATING Cancer! My treatments, including all of the many complications that went along with them, were physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging. However, as challenging as each day was, every second was worth it for my life. To spend my life with my husband and raising these phenominal, smart, funny, exhausting, make me want to pull my hair out, sweet little boys.
Fast forward to the place I am in now. THIS battle is really hard. Really really really hard. Life as a survivor is very challenging. No one prepared me for this new life I would have to accept. I am strong, and I beat Breast Cancer! I know you’re thinking, “this is the easy stuff” “she should be happy to be alive” hey, you may even have the lyrics to that Tim McGraw song “live like you were dying” going through your head. Which by the way, there are parts of that song I do live. “I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I’ve been denying”. That is all very true. I have not, however, “went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu”. Mostly because as scary as everything has been I am not and will never be fearless. Today, what I am afraid of is this new me. I am trying my best to get to know her, appreciate her, accept her, and love her. I have the remains of the body I had before, there are many missing pieces, so many added scars, a heart that is so strong, many many added pounds, and a whole new proportion to my body that I am trying my hardest to embrace. I had no idea about the aftermath following treatment. The struggles of trying to love and embrace the body I have now, the loss of so many relationships, the physical pain I continue to experience each day, the continued fatigue, the constant worries and fears about re-occurance, the fears and insecurities I carry with me, fighting off anxiety and depression, finally beginning to accept and process my diagnosis and treatment, mourning the loss of my ability to have children, being post menopausal at 30 and processing everything I have been through.
Listen, I understand that this all seems silly, and you all think I already made it through the ‘hard stuff’. For the most part, you would right. Yes, i have made it through some of the hardest challenges of my life, and I AM A BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR! I just didn’t realize what being a survivor entailed. I am so thankful and blessed to be a survivor, and each day is truly a blessing. I continue to grow and accept this “new me” and learn how to manage all that comes my way. I am not the same woman I was before my diagnosis, and although it has proven to be very challenging, I am so proud and excited to get to know this better version of me, the version I believe is the best version of me. So hang in there with me, while I date myself and get to know and fall in love with me. It’s going to be amazing, I just know it.