Beauty with an edge

On May 18th I woke up with the same stomach full of butterflies that I’ve had for the past few weeks, except on this morning it felt like there may be a bird, cat, and a dog in there too. I laid in my husbands arms with tears running down my face onto his chest. I took a depth breath, and got out of bed to prepare for such a big day in our lives. We drop the boys off at my persons house at  4:30am so that she could get them to school. As I wrap my arms around the boys one and a time, and hold my person I start to cry and have a little meltdown. I’m not sure why I broke down at that moment, but I fully embraced it. I’ve learned in this journey you have to feel and embrace every emotion you feel. I know that seems  easy, but we all do it. We tend to shut down our feelings and feel only happiness, which may feel like it’s the best choice, but it’s not. You need allow yourself, and embrace each emotion, it become poison the more you stuff it down. After dropping the boys off we make the drive to the hospital, park, and begin our check in process. They took me back to do paperwork, and into pre-op to prepare for surgery. My husband finally gets to come into my pre op room and the minute he walks in we make eye contact and I instantly feel at peace. His eyes, his touch, his beautiful smile always make everything better, and give me the strength to take on the world. My feeling of almost floating with him by my side ends quickly when 3 different doctors come in to go over each surgery, I sign consents for treatment,and 4 or so different nurse are in and out. It’s time, I start to cry. I cry for fear of surgery, for fear of what changes will happen to my body, fear of pain, excited to mark this big step off our list, and so happy to have the cancer out of me. When I get to the OR, my anesthesiologist, plastic surgeon, and general surgeon were all waiting. They transfer me onto the operating table and silent tears run down my cheeks. All three of my docs rub my hair, and arms or hold onto my hand. I really have an amazing team who not only have such wonderful talent, but have a genuine heart for their patients. I then wake up in my room and immediately look for my husband. I couldn’t wait to tell him how brave I was, and that all of this is worth every minute of time we will have together for the rest of our LONG lives. I don’t remember much after coming out of recovery. I do know a lot of my family had come to see me, and I am so thankful for you. After company left I went in to the bathroom to see my chest. I again meltdown. It’s over! I did it, I was brave, and tough, and I did it! I also cry looking at my chest when I see the incisions and scaring. I have moments of weakness when I wish I could know ‘why’ things happen. Why at 29 yrs old will my body  be scared up? I’ll tell you outside of my weakest moments, have complete confidence that this is part of my plan along with my everyone in my life. We are all learning and growing through this. I have seen changes in many people around me, and in myself, and I am so proud. It’s easy to get caught up in the negativity, the ‘why me’, and anger. And sometimes you need to feel those emotions. You just can not stay in that place. I know there are many reasons for why I am going through this, because I know there is a plan for me. Part of my plan is to be as open and honest about this part of my life. To reach people through my story and provide some encouragement. I know as I heal from the surgery my breasts will not look the same prior to surgery, there ill be scars and tattoo nipples. But I can confidently say that I will still be a beautiful woman, that my scars will give me en edgy beauty. When I see my body, I see a mother to the most incredible little boys, a women so in love with her husband, and I see the fight this woman is fighting to stay in this world with her husband and sons by her side. I would fight through anything to get as much time as possible here with my 3 boys. There is a unique, strong kind of beauty that I will carry with me wherever I go. I am proud and confident, to embrace this new beauty of mine physically, and mentally.

2 thoughts on “Beauty with an edge

  1. You are truly an amazing women!you are so strong and brave to let us be with you during your journey!! I’m so glad I get to work with such an amazing women!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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