First of all, for any of my friends who are reading ‘Me Before You’ and have not finished, stop reading this blog post. Fair warning to avoid spoiling the ending for you! Yesterday, my husband came home from work, and I was able to be up, showered, medicated, and ready for our day together. For the first time since surgery, the pain was not taking my breath away, or making it very difficult to move. You know what that meant?! Date!!! We ran a bunch of errands we were needing to run I know, what kind of ‘date’ is that? Well, for me, for us, any time we have time together no matter what we are doing it’s so much fun. I’m even dorky enough to sing a lame song that goes a little something like ‘ running errands with my baaaayyyyybbbbbbyyyyyyy’. Why? Because it really is all of the little things in life. Since being diagnosed that is what my life has quickly become about. All of the little things. We stopped and ate lunch together before heading home, and by the time we got home, I was in a lot of pain from just simply running errands. I took some medication and laid on the couch for a 2 hour nap. Upon waking up I was SO excited for the date night we had planned together. Dinner and a movie. So simple, but I was nervous. Nervous that I wouldn’t make it through the night, that I would ruin our night together if I was unable to make it all the way through without having to go home and lay down and take more medication. But, guess what?! I did it! Made it through our date night!! Painful, and hard, but the best night with my husband and best friend. After our sushi dinner, we went to see “Me Before You’. I had just finished the book, and my husband promised to take me to the movie even though ‘chick flicks’ are very much not his thing. For those of you who don’t read, and haven’t seen the movie, the character in the movie was paralyzed in an accident, and it is a story of how his life has changed since. A specific line in the movie hit my heart and soul hard, and ended up created a long night of openness, and tears between my husband and I. The main character said “I loved my life, I really loved my life before this. This is not the life I want to live”. In the end of the story, he ends up opting to end his life as to him, the life he now had was not anything he had ever wanted. It was hard, and painful, and not anything he wanted. I wiped my tears and we began our walk to the car. It was cold and windy, and I had a dress on, which by the way, was so hard and painful to get on. I wanted to wear a dress, and get dressed up for date night with my husband. This was a pretty painful experience. Trying to pull on a dress over my healing mastectomy site brought tears to my eyes. But, I got into it! I was also able to cover my dead nails with nail polish and feel a little prettier. (Chemo has killed my nails, and they are not the ‘pretty’ nails I took for granted prior to all of this. I attached a picture to this to see what my dead nails look like ) Back to the point, walking back to the car in the cold, I was shivering which was VERY painful. It makes sense. When you shiver, your muscles contract and oh my goodness did that kill me. By the time we got to the car, I was able to warm up and catch my breath as the pain started to subside. I was looking out the window when I began to fall apart. I started crying thinking about the book/movie and how the character felt. Although very different circumstances, I have felt sad and angry as he did. Each day I wake up with a full heart, and I am grateful for the day. As you have all heard me say a thousand times, I know this is my plan, my journey, and all of the wonderful things that come out of it. I believe in mind over matter, and being grateful for each little blessing. But, it is just as important to feel everything that you are feeling. To melt down and cry, be sad, and angry. The movie, and the pain I was feeling from a simple date night brought on a whirlwind of emotions and opened the door for many tears, honesty, vulnerability, and deep conversation with my husband. The perfect ending to our date night. I tried to put so many feelings into coherent words to help him understand what I feel but don’t really talk about. Why when I finally find true love, my very best friend, my soul mate, my puzzle piece does this happen to me? I am in so much physical, emotional, and mental pain. It’s not easy. None of it. I am healing each day, and so thankful. I’ve attached pictures below of post op day 1, and 2 weeks post op. I’m healing! I got clearance to start expanding next Friday, and I will continue to keep everyone updated with the progress. I think it’s important to share photos of this process, as there are many people who genuinely have no idea what this entails. I received text messages the day of surgery from friends congratulating me on my “new perky boobs”, and telling me ‘at least you wont have to wear a bra anymore’. I cried because that is absolutely not what this is all about. It takes a long painful road to get to that point. I knew then, that I needed to be brave and vulnerable and share photos of this process. I get stronger each day with my confidence in my new body, but last night when I fell apart in my husbands arms I cried. I cried and grieved losing my body. Losing my breasts. Losing my 29 year old body. It hurts, it’s not easy, and it’s not fair. We go places, and people stare at my port, or other women look me up and down and make me feel small. If only they knew the fight I was going through to just be here. I wish peoples hearts would be more true, open, accepting, and loving. We’ve all heard a million people talk about not judging another person until you’ve walked in their shoes, and this is the perfect example. For any stranger who does not know me, they don’t know my pain or what my day to day life is like. How could they? I have my make up, eye brows drawn on, my wig, and my clothes covering my scars. I can blend into the crowd with everyone else. I find myself observing people in a different way. I can’t help but look at people and wonder what their story is. What struggles they’ve had, what hardships they’ve overcome. I’ve become a much kinder, genuine, accepting woman already through this. I continued to cry and tell my husband that I would give anything to have the “problems” other people have. To have “normal” 29 year old woman problems. Anything. The truth is, as I told my husband last night, I am happy, and blesses, and thankful but I am heart broken and in so much pain everyday. It’s the hardest thing to explain, and I think I did the best I could through the gallons of tears I cried last night to help my husband understand how you can feel so blessed and thankful, but be in such an incredible amount of pain at the same time. It felt good to feel last night. To allow my husband vulnerably into my soul. We have a busy week ahead, I have a Muga scan tomorrow, chemo again Tuesday, and we start expansion Friday. Excited to keep moving forward and crossing things off of our list.
One thought on “Date Night”
It breaks my heart to know you are in such pain and so sad. We all understand and wish there was more we could all do. This is a long journey and your are strong,and much loved. We will all come out of you sharing your journey,with a better outlook on what is important in our lives.
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