We went to church yesterday morning, and as I sat there my ankles and feet were numb and I was having shooting pain at the same time. I looked at them and they were a little swollen, but nothing major. After church we drove up north to set up a surprise party for my grandpa’s birthday! As the day went on, my ankles got bigger, I developed a head ache, had shortness of breath, and just overall began not feeling well. I called my doctors office and was told to go to the emergency room. Apparently the E.R. is the happening place to be on a Sunday afternoon. The waiting room was packed! My sister and I sat in the waiting room for about a hour and a half before being seen. They took us back in the freezing room and covered me up in those nice warm blankets. The nurse tried several times to access my port, I even did the normal gymnastics we have to do when its clogged. I lifted my right arm up, turned my head to the left and coughed, no luck. She pushed a lot of saline, and still no luck in accessing it. She then moved on to my arm, which was not much easier either. After some time she was able to find a vein and start an IV. The doctor came in and said he was concerned with my symptoms of blood clots. So, our plan was to run D-Dimer blood work and if that was abnormal we would then have chest X-Ray, Leg ultrasound, and Chest CT. From what he explained, the D-Dimer blood work being abnormal indicated a clot issue. First on the list was an EKG and that was normal. Next was a leg ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was so kind and sweet. She scanned from my groin to my ankles on both legs. Results were normal. Next was chest X-Ray which was pretty easy except the last image I had to stand turned to the side and grab a bar that was a little difficult as I am still recovering my range of motion after my surgery. Last test was the chest CT with contrast. He waited for this test because he did not want to expose me to even more radiation if it was not warranted. At this time with my blood results, symptoms, and the normal tests we had already done, he felt it was time for me to have the CT. He said he was looking for clots, fluid, or the possibility of another mass which may be another cancer. When he said that to me, I immediately got sick to my stomach with nerves. As they wheeled me back for my CT the patient before me was being wheeled out of the room. He was being escorted by security. Drunk from a fun weekend and covered in blood. For a brief moment I wished I was there because I had been having so much fun, had been drinking, and ended up  making a bad decision. I’ve felt so frustrated for the past 7 months because I have had so little control over anything. It was my turn for CT. I slowly climbed onto the bed and laid back. They had me lift my arms above my head which was one of the most painful things I have felt yet. I am still very  much healing from my surgery, and I have not been close to lifting my arms above my head. I breathed through the pain, and began to shake. Once the scan was complete and I was back in my room I was almost in tears from the pain, so my nurse gave me some medicine to help. I was then able to close my eyes a little and rest while my mom sat by myside. These things, well all things that ever go wrong seem to always happen when my husband is at work. Blizzards, hail storms, sick kids, injured dogs, or issues with me usually happen on days when he is not home. I had talked to him several times throughout the day and always ended our call in tears. Tears because I miss him so much, he’s my strength and support, I would give anything to have him by my side, and tears because I felt s terrible that this was going on and he couldn’t be with me. I know he was worrying and I hate to make him worry when he’s at work and there is nothing he can do for me. The doctor finally came in with good news and bad news. Good news was that the CT was normal, bad news is that he did not have answers for my symptoms. He said it was important that I had come in, and that we need to follow up with my doctors the next day. My dad, step mom, and grandparents came at this time too. It’s a great feeling to know how loved and supported you are. Of course, my grandma had to give me some hell about slowing down, and letting my body heal. She is right and I know that, but I’m most certainly not good at resting or slowing down. It has been my top priority since diagnosis to continue my normal life to the best of my ability. I am a big believer in mind of matter, and that attitude can make all of the difference in the world. I have, to a fault kept my life as normal as possible. I do need to allow myself to rest more. I’m not super woman and sometimes pushing myself only hurts me and sets me back. It will be one of the harder things for me to do in this whole process. Kind of funny if you think about all of the painful and hard things I have done and still have ahead of me. Yet, resting and slowing down are the hardest for me. We finally got home and I threw up and then feel asleep on the couch. I think I threw up from the pain medicine they gave me. I do not do well with those medications. My sweet boys took such good care of me as I laid on the couch. I laid on Tate’s lap, as he kept kissing my head, and tickling my hair, and Lane kept rubbing my cheeks and covering me in kisses. They have such genuine hearts and love me with such passion. I’ve said a million times, but I’ll say it a million more. We can all learn so much from our children. I wish I could be so free, innocent, loving, have no inhibition, and just be happy. To be able to wake up and wear a pair of shorts with a shirt that doesn’t match, and cowboy boots on a 95 degree day with such confidence. My goal is to become more like my boys. They inspire me each day. We will be following up with my doctors to find answers this week. Do me a favor and watch a child whether it is yours or not, and try to become more like them. Open your hearts, lose your inhibitions, wear what makes you happy, be confident in everything you are, and just be genuinely to your bones happy.