This is all to save me, the woman I am; the woman I will be.

This is all to save me, the woman I am; the woman I will be.

We’ve hit a lot of bumps throughout my treatment. As they come, we take a deep breath, hold hands, I look into my husbands eyes, and he kisses me a kiss that eases my heart and soul. As you aware, Friday September 30th my plastic surgeon removed my right expander, cleaned out all of the infection, and repaired all of the damaged muscle and skin. I had a difficult time in recovery with pain and nausea so they admitted me for the night. The nurses were wonderful and so kind. There isn’t a pain med that helps like my husbands kiss, my hand in his, looking into his eyes, his uplifting words and encouragement, or simply waking up in so much pain I can barely breath and seeing him asleep right next to me with his hand in mine. After discharge we came home and I followed all of my restrictions. 5 days following surgery we woke up to get ready for my post op. When I stood up there was blood and fluid leaking from my incision down my stomach. All of the stitches were still in place, so we weren’t sure what was going on. We covered my incision with gauze and headed to see my surgeon. When we arrived the gauze was complexly soaked and soaking through my shirt. He said it looked like a collection of fluid and infection between the muscle and the skin. He was able to squeeze out a lot of the fluid, but felt the safest and best thing for us to do was to remove the expander completely. He scheduled us for 4:30 pm that afternoon.We will let my chest where the expander heal for a few months than have another surgery come January or February to place another expander. As I sat in the exam chair while he tried to remove as much fluid as he could I couldn’t help but start to cry. Dr. Kiehn started to talk to me about how important it is to talk to someone through this process. That my diagnosis, and treatment plan would be incredibly hard for anyone but especially at my age. He talked about the fact that I will go through all of the stages of grief. That I have to, or I will never be okay. He stepped out to set up with the OR and anesthesia for surgery that night. I just looked at my husband and cried. Why is this happening? I followed all of my restrictions. I take all of my meds a hundred times a day. Why is this happening again? I cried because surgery is painful. I have horrible veins and getting IV’s is extremely painful. I don’t recover well from anesthesia. I don’t want to lose my expander, because I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to tell my new job that I have to have another surgery just less than 5 days after my last surgery. Do you have any idea how hard it is to balance Cancer and life? Let me tell you this has been a source of many tears for me. I have no control over any part of this. I have to roll with the punches as they come. Often times, I get knocked out cold and have to pick myself back up and look ahead. I can only believe that work, friendships, hobbies, and all that if my life will stand strong with me, and know that I am giving all I have each and every day. The reason I fight each day is to watch the two most incredible boys grow up and have families of their own, and to love my husband with all of my heart for the rest of our lives. As painful and hard as most days have been lately, we will get through this. I may not be the 28 yr old young woman I was when I was diagnosed, but I’ll be an even better version of that same woman. I’ll be covered in scars, my body will never be the same, I’ll have tougher skin than I ever thought possible, I’ll have a greater appreciation for all parts of my life, courage and bravery I never knew I had, and a heart that loves with everything it’s got. Days like today, I struggle waiting for what’s to come. I need to fall into all 3 of my boys arms and let my faith be bigger than my fear.


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