Chemo Round 1

Took some Zzzzzz Quil last night to avoid staying up with worry or fear. Night before Chemo, plus, the nights Ty is at the firehouse, is always harder. Just simply having him in the same room, his presence makes everything so much easier, his touch seems to make everything go away. My favorite thing to do is simply sitting on the couch in his arms. Anywho, thankful I slept to prepare for today. When I got undressed which has been pretty painful the past few weeks from my lymph surgery, and port, I stood in the mirror looking at scared body while I waited for the shower to warm. I was looking at my scar on my arm pit from the lymph biopsy, the 2 scars that are forming from the port placement, and my left breast which looks different with nipple inversion, and from the injections I’ve had for different reasons. I stared at myself thinking that this has all just begun and my body is already showing it. I started to cry in fear of how “damaged” my body is already starting to look. But it didn’t last long, as those feelings were quickly replaced by courage, hope, and well, I’m proud of me. My entire life feels like it has been turned upside down in the last month. Every scar I will have on my body from this will be “battle wounds” in my fight with my Breast Cancer. A war I didn’t enlist in to fight, but one I will fight with every single fiber of my being. I know I have quiet the journey ahead of me, but I know without a doubt I can do it. And I will. Proudly. I’m not going to wear shirts that cover my port to hide my scars. I’m proud of me, and my body, and everything I am going through. As I washed my hair I thought about the fact that in a short time, I will most likely have no hair. A quick panic around having no hair crossed my mind, but was very quickly replaced by thoughts of wearing big beautiful bows on my bald head, my really awesome wig that has prettier hair then I’ve ever grown on my own, funny images of some most likely terrible drawn in eye brows, and the woman I will be evolving into. I know I will always be me, and nothing will take that away, but I’ve already experienced personal growth in the beginning stages of all of this, I cannot imagine what’s to come for me. I’ll have a whole new beauty to embrace. Its almost 4:30pm and we just started the chemo that will cause my hair loss. Once I get through this one, and one more I’m home free. To what side effects, I’m not sure, but there are a few things I know I will be going home to. My incredible husband, 2 amazing little boys, 2 very cuddly puppies, and our beautiful home. Not sure what’s in store for tonight, tomorrow, or any days coming up, but, whatever it is, we’ve got this In. The. Bag. PS- all of my onco nurses, my onco doc, my surgeon, and Breast Cancer coordinators quietly laugh at me while I work from my chemo chair and while I tell them I plan to keep working full time. But. That’s my plan. I don’t want to sit at home and be sad, or sick, but I also am not stubborn enough to not let myself rest if I need it. I’m a planner to a fault, and right now, I can’t plan as there are so many unknowns. That is what’s killing me. Lots and lots of unknowns. Too bad there isn’t a cliff notes of Cancer with all of the answers without having to read through the book. Closest thing to that is my Megan. She’s my Cliff notes. Off to visit with my person and my hubby until this looooong 8 hr chemo day is over. Or, this part of the day is over, semi anxious for what home after chemo will be like, kind like when its time to take your baby home from the hospital. You’re kind of nervous because you won’t have any nurses to lean on for all the answers.

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