We had a wonderful weekend in Arizona leading up to today! Time together with my husband is always so much fun! We had a less than wonderful trip home though. We ended up having a blow out, and another flat after that which lead to a 20+ hour drive. I’m not entirely sure how Ty was able to drive that long, but so glad he did! Made it home at 3am and was able to get 3 hours of sleep before heading in today. This last round I had a really rough time with the GI issues, and ended up having to come in for fluids from dehydration. Prior to each chemo, I meet with my Oncologist to discuss how each round went and decide if we should change anything. To hopefully prevent the terrible GI side effects, we’re going to pull the Perjeta from this round of chemo. I’ve already had a lot of the med and the risks of the side effects at this point out weigh the benefit. If I still have the same side effects this round, we will add the Perjeta back in next time. Tomorrow we have an appointment with another Plastic Surgeon for a second opinion. I know it seems like my reconstruction is so far away, because well, lets be honest it is. But. My bi-lateral mastectomy is FAST approaching. Even though I have to have delayed reconstruction a year after radiation is complete, what decision we make for reconstruction will effect my mastectomy. We have several different options for reconstruction, and to be honest, I don’t have the slightest idea what I want. What I do know, is that I am 29 yrs old, and I want to first of all have my chart read “History of Breast Cancer”, I also know that I want to have great looking breasts afterwards. Some people don’t understand that, and to be honest, that’s okay. You don’t have to. This is my body, and whether you think it’s ridiculous or not, I want them. Another struggle that I’ve been working through is grieving my fertility. Even though having a baby was never something we really planned on doing, being told at 29 yrs old that you cannot have a child is really hard. Because my cancer is hormone receptive, a pregnancy would be very risky for my body. Part of my treatment plan is removing my ovaries after all of this to “shut down” my hormones to make sure we are not feeding my cancer and to prevent a reoccurrence. I’ve struggled more than I had anticipated with coming to terms that I will not be having any more children. I don’t really know how to explain the feeling. We have our 2 boys, and we love them and our family with all that we are, but grieving my fertility whether we were having another child or not, has been very difficult. Little things like people in our lives announcing their pregnancies, or being asked if we are going to have children, kind of hit hard and burn your insides. These are not things people do or say intentionally to hurt us, and you don’t even realize are going to hurt you until it happens. I am working on growing and accepting that this is my journey, my plan, and being happy with it. And I will. The next little bump I’ve been learning to work through is a little emotion I’ve named “Cancer Envy”. There have been several people in my life who have had cancer scares, or even been diagnosed, and I cannot help but be jealous sometimes. There have been times when someone has shared their cancer scare with me, and I am so jealous. Why couldn’t that of been me? Why couldn’t my breast biopsy be negative? Or, how wonderful would it be to only need radiation? I know that we each have our own paths, and God gives us what we can handle, and our plan is ours, that everything happens for a reason. But, I can’t help but wish someone else’s diagnoses was mine, or that I could have been given a little easier path. On the other hand, there are many people who feel the same of my diagnosis. They’re going through worse than me, and pushing through each day the same. Here’s the thing, cancer scare, diagnosis at any stage, or really any other struggle someone is facing is hard. You hear those cliché quotes, but they’re so true. “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes” “Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” The one sure fire thing I have developed is a bigger heart. I am much more patient, kind, loving, appreciative, forgiving, and genuine. I’ve said it before, but I will say it again, I cannot wait to see the woman I am to become at the end of this. Cancer changes you in so many ways, but a lot of the changes are for the better. I will be the best woman I can possibly be, and I cannot wait to come out on the other side of all of this.