The little things aren’t so little.

The little things aren’t so little.

It’s day 8 post Chemo Round #5. That means only 1 more of these babies!!! I can’t believe I’ve made it through 5 rounds already. Each day brings something new, and each day is a challenge, but I am proud to say I’ve made it through 5 rounds already! This next one will bring even more emotions than the last I’m sure. Not only will I have the usual emotions of fear, and anxiety, I will be so relieved to have made it through one of the hardest chemo regimens out there! This round so far has had it’s ups and downs, but seems to overall actually be better than the last! We’ve had some fun things to deal with like this chemical burn like rash on my arm. I cannot explain to you the discomfort of it. It burns constantly. Trying to sleep is hard because when anything touches it and the pain is very intense. They gave me IV steroids and then put me on 4 days of oral steroids in hopes that it would help. No luck yet. I will calling my onco RN this morning when they open for any new ideas they may have. I do think our decision to schedule me for fluids on day 4 and 7 of this round has helped. If anything just having the IV fluids may be keeping my body stronger and giving me more energy to fight the effects of chemo breaking me down from the inside out. The burning stomach pain has been an issue again this round, my Onco has me taking Prilosec twice a day, and 4 Pepcid completes as well. I have not noticed much relief, but I understand it can take a while to start helping. I’ve also developed a pretty sexy 1-900 phone operator voice as I have caught a lovely cold. The boys seem to like my voice, maybe I’ll keep it! Another thing that has come along with this round has been my overall appreciation for each moment I have, each true relationship I have, and all of the small things that really are not small at all. Since being diagnosed I have had an overall change in my outlook that keeps growing, but here in the past week something seems to have clicked in my heart and soul. I have a whole new perspective for the littlest of things. I find myself so overwhelmingly grateful and appreciative of all things that seemed so small. Above all, I am so very blessed and thankful for the truest relationships I have. My husband, I cannot put into words how incredible he is. My marriage is the absolute center of my heart and soul. He fills me with more passion, joy, happiness, completeness, life and love than I could have ever imagined. He is my rock. He always seems to know just what I need at just the right moment. He has shown me who I really am, taught me how to be myself, and love myself. My boys never ever fail to amaze me with their love, support, innocence, happiness, joy, and sense of wonder. There could not be one possible thing in this world that could ever over shadow the love those 2 boys have in their eyes for me. I believe in myself more when I try to look at myself through their eyes. Because I can not only see the sparkle in their eye when they look at me, I can feel it. My family, has been more than amazing in so many ways. My mom, I don’t know what I would do without her. She has been such an incredible source of support, encouragement, help, love, laughs, and more. She has not missed one night of staying with me while my husband is at work. She is there the same time every night with a kiss for me and the boys, she allows me to rest after I made it all day through work somehow, and she loves and supports my boys a long side me. Although I am a grown women and a mother, I could not get through each day without my mom. It doesn’t stop there, my step mom Kat, has been so supportive, and willing to help with anything at the drop of a hat. I know without a doubt that if there is anything no matter how small, she would jump at the opportunity to be there, or anywhere I need her. My sister, my daddy, my step dad, my wonderful in laws, and my grandparents. They’re all so loving and supportive and true. I am trying to be better at letting them in. I am learning that although I am stubborn and push through each day and sometimes don’t know how I made it, that all of the people in my life are waiting to be of help. I am learning that everyone is going through this too. No, they may not have cancer, or be going through chemo, but they are hurting too. It’s my goal, especially with surgery coming up, to utilize those in my life who just want to be of any help instead of pushing myself so hard. On to friendships. I have one very true and dear friend, you all know, she is my person. I never can find the words to explain her friendship. She truly is the most beautiful person I have every known. Our friendship is one you only find once in a lifetime. And when you do, you hold on tight and never let go. I know that we have a lifetime together, and I thank God everyday for her. I do also have a handful of true friends that genuinely care about me and my family, but it has been quiet eye opening to discover how few are far between they are. But, I am not sad or upset about it. I was. But  now, I am just thankful and blessed for those that I do have. You know who you are, and you know how much I love you. Thank you for being my friend, and for loving me and my family through these rough times. We will always hold you close to our hearts and forever be thankful for your friendship. So, I will end this with saying, the best thing I have taken from this round of chemo has been peace. I am at peace with the relationships I have, they are so incredible. I am also very aware and appreciative of the smallest of things. It’s cliché but its true, each day the sun rises and I’m alive, and I am so thankful.

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