We’ve hit a lot of bumps throughout my treatment. As they come, we take a deep breath, hold hands, I look into my husbands eyes, and he kisses me a kiss that eases my heart and soul. As you aware, Friday September 30th my plastic surgeon removed my right expander, cleaned out all of the infection, and repaired all of the damaged muscle and skin. I had a difficult time in recovery with pain and nausea so they admitted me for the night. The nurses were wonderful and so kind. There isn’t a pain med that helps like my husbands kiss, my hand in his, looking into his eyes, his uplifting words and encouragement, or simply waking up in so much pain I can barely breath and seeing him asleep right next to me with his hand in mine. After discharge we came home and I followed all of my restrictions. 5 days following surgery we woke up to get ready for my post op. When I stood up there was blood and fluid leaking from my incision down my stomach. All of the stitches were still in place, so we weren’t sure what was going on. We covered my incision with gauze and headed to see my surgeon. When we arrived the gauze was complexly soaked and soaking through my shirt. He said it looked like a collection of fluid and infection between the muscle and the skin. He was able to squeeze out a lot of the fluid, but felt the safest and best thing for us to do was to remove the expander completely. He scheduled us for 4:30 pm that afternoon.We will let my chest where the expander heal for a few months than have another surgery come January or February to place another expander. As I sat in the exam chair while he tried to remove as much fluid as he could I couldn’t help but start to cry. Dr. Kiehn started to talk to me about how important it is to talk to someone through this process. That my diagnosis, and treatment plan would be incredibly hard for anyone but especially at my age. He talked about the fact that I will go through all of the stages of grief. That I have to, or I will never be okay. He stepped out to set up with the OR and anesthesia for surgery that night. I just looked at my husband and cried. Why is this happening? I followed all of my restrictions. I take all of my meds a hundred times a day. Why is this happening again? I cried because surgery is painful. I have horrible veins and getting IV’s is extremely painful. I don’t recover well from anesthesia. I don’t want to lose my expander, because I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to tell my new job that I have to have another surgery just less than 5 days after my last surgery. Do you have any idea how hard it is to balance Cancer and life? Let me tell you this has been a source of many tears for me. I have no control over any part of this. I have to roll with the punches as they come. Often times, I get knocked out cold and have to pick myself back up and look ahead. I can only believe that work, friendships, hobbies, and all that if my life will stand strong with me, and know that I am giving all I have each and every day. The reason I fight each day is to watch the two most incredible boys grow up and have families of their own, and to love my husband with all of my heart for the rest of our lives. As painful and hard as most days have been lately, we will get through this. I may not be the 28 yr old young woman I was when I was diagnosed, but I’ll be an even better version of that same woman. I’ll be covered in scars, my body will never be the same, I’ll have tougher skin than I ever thought possible, I’ll have a greater appreciation for all parts of my life, courage and bravery I never knew I had, and a heart that loves with everything it’s got. Days like today, I struggle waiting for what’s to come. I need to fall into all 3 of my boys arms and let my faith be bigger than my fear.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve been on here to update everyone. My day to day life has taken every once of my strength and will to just get through the basics of each day. A month ago we took the boys for a camping trip, one of our families very favorite things to do. The day we arrived and began to set up, without thinking I grabbed a side of our cooler to help my husband move it. Big mistake. Not only could I not even lift it in the slightest I hurt something really bad in my right expander. I know I know you’re thinking why would you even think of attempting to pick that up? The thing is, I didn’t. It was a no thought to it motion of normalcy that I’m just not ready for. my body made that very clear. The plan for our camping trip was for me to take it easy, relax, read, and watch the boys play. That’s exactly what I did the rest of the trip. I continued to be in a lot of pain as I relaxed, and once we went to bed the pain was unbearable. I woke up in tears several times in the night unable to breathe. I knew something was very wrong, but didn’t know what to do. The next day I did nothing but rest and relax and the pain continued. That night the pain intensified and I continued to cry and struggle to breath from the pain. We left camping and my husband took my to St. Joes ER to see what was going on. We thought maybe I ripped my expander out of place. Here’s the thing, I have been through an enormous amount of pain in this past year, and non of it compared to the pain I was in from this expander. The ER drugged me heavily with pain meds, did a check X-ray to confirm the expander was in place, and an ultrasound to confirm the same. As we waited for results and I laid in bed in tears they continued to push more and more pain meds. The decision was made that the expanders were in the correct place, and that maybe I just pulled a muscle. I was discharged and sent home with pain medicine. I was so frustrated because I have a very high tolerance for pain, and I know my body well. Something was wrong and no one would listen to me. I spoke with the nurse at my plastic surgeon and she said it could just be a pulled muscle so I should be taking Tylenol, ibuprofen, and a muscle relaxer every 6 hours until I seem to be better. A few days later, I went in and saw my surgeon. He said everything looked fine, that it may just take sometime for my body to heal from trying to lift the cooler. We then expanded more that day. In the hour it took me to get from his office home I was in the worst pain of my life. I could barely breath or move, and was crying so much my husband couldn’t understand what I was saying. I called the next morning and explained I couldn’t function in this pain. I went in and the NP took 50 cc of fluid out of each expander to try to give me some relief. It helped slightly but not much. I was again told to just give it time, and continue taking all of the medications every 6 hours. For weeks I had been taking tons of medication as requested, my husband helped me get dressed and undressed, he helped me shave my legs in the shower, he moved all of my things such as my tooth-brush and paste on top of the counter because I can’t bend down, every morning he would wrap my meds for the day up in aluminum foil packets with the time I needed to take them, he would pack me a snack, and have my breakfast ready. It didn’t stop there, he would drive me to work, and take me to lunch each day, wipe my tears when I was so exhausted from the pain I felt like I wanted to just give up, he would remind me how strong I am and what a fighter I am. Remind me that this is all temporary, even though each day of constant pain felt like an eternity. I had a major melt down one morning for several reasons, the most sleep I’ve had in the past month was 3 hours from all of the pain. When I did sleep I apparently cried while I was sleeping. Each morning I would slowly open my eyes and ne praying that I wouldn’t be in pain. It never happened. So then I would take a deep breath and cry for a brief moment knowing that day would be another day of un relenting pain. Wipe my tears, and get ready for the day. As I would get ready, every movement I made was so painful, looking in the mirror I hate my body from all of the weight I’ve gained from chemo, my inability to be as active as I was prior, I hate my short hair, and I hate the way my expanders look. On my way to work that day I called the nurse with plastics and cried my eyes out. She explained that the crease on my left expander and the bubble on the right would not be that way when my implants are placed next August. She also explained that I must have my expanders for much longer than most patients. I have to have mine for 16 months. She said she’s had many patients who have had them for only 3 months and had to take ibuprofen, Tylenol, and a muscle relaxer every 6 hours for the entire 3 months. I do not want to do this. I don’t want to be in this pain for another year. She assured my everything was normal, and that it’s just going to take time to heal. Thursday I woke up and from the bubble on my expander I was told was normal I was leaking a yellow fluid that had soaked my shirt and sheets. I immediately knew something wasn’t right. I got in my car and started driving to my plastic surgeon. I called while driving when they opened and told them I was on my way and what was going on. The nurse and nurse practitioner were not sure what was going on. They took pictures and sent them to my surgeon who was on a mastectomy case. He told them he wanted to see me that afternoon after his surgery. They covered me with gauze and I went to work until it was time to go back. In the short time I was at work I had completely soaked through the gauze and it was leaking through my dress. Dr. Kiehn examined me and said it looked like a ripped my muscle pretty bad lifting the cooler and now the fluid from the tear was pushing its way out of my skin. He wanted to do surgery immediately to ensure my safety and prevent me losing my expander completely. He scheduled me for the next day. As I was headed home I was scared and nervous for another surgery but so relieved to have answers and possibly have some relief coming my way. The surgery want well, Dr. Kiehn said the muscle damage was really bad, and that there was infection. He cleaned everything out, removed the expander, and placed a new one. He also removed the damaged skin and repaired both the skin and muscle with donated tissue. My husband and I received a long discussion about how admirable it is for Dr. Kiehn to watch me push through everything that has been thrown at me, but that I am not super woman. He wants me to slow down, rest more, limit my activity, and work less. This is a subject I’ve had many tears over. I don’t think anyone has the slightest idea how hard it is to balance life with cancer. It’s next to impossible, and I do the very best I can each day. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that all of this is temporary. One day we will look back at all of this and smile because we did it! I completed radiation August 15th, and started a new job the 24th. My skin was pretty damaged and is taking quiet sometime to heal. I continue to feel the effects from the radiation through out my body. But each day the skin damage improves. I also began taking Tamoxifen. I’ll be taking this everyday for the next 10 years. It’s pretty hard on your body, body aches, bone and joint pain, hot flashes, nausea, and headaches, But we are hopeful my body will begin to adjust to the medicine and some of the side effects will minimize. All of it is worth it knowing the studies show how well the Tamoxifen reduces reoccurrence. I’ll tell you, I would do anything my oncologist told me to never have to do this again. My hysterectomy is scheduled for November 29th which is out next big step. I have a lot of emotion around this but I know it’s the best for my health and prevention of cancer coming back. As we keep checking things off of our list, it doesn’t get easier. Each step is a new kind of hard. But we’re doing it all and we will get through everything that comes out way! Below are pictures of the damage from radiation, as well as pictures from the surgery I just had Friday.

                As of today, I only have 9 days left of radiation! What a challenge it has been to get to this point. In previous months, as I struggled each day, sometimes not knowing how I got through the day, I was counting down to the start of radiation. Looking forward to an “easier step” and having a little “break from the hard stuff”. To my surprise, radiation is not any easier than receiving my diagnosis, neo-adjuvant chemo, or the Bi lateral mastectomy. Radiation is just a different kind of hard. Each day, Monday- Friday for 25 sessions, I get up and head to radiation. Up early to get the kiddos and family ready for the day, drop the boys off at daycare when they open to make it to Sky Ridge by 7:15am. In the beginning, I experienced a surprising amount of muscle pain from having my arms above my head each day for an extended amount of time post mastectomy. Today, it is much easier on my muscles. Right now what I experience is burning skin, heat rashes, and a whole new fatigue. Sunday nights I still dread the start of another week of radiation, but happily get ready and head in with a smile of my face for the simple fact that I am thankful for the ability to fight this cancer. The blessing of the great care I have received from all of the physicians that are a part of my care each day.

                There has been as of late a whole new set of struggles I was not anticipating. I mean, I had already made it through the hard stuff right? Wrong. The hard stuff for me, had not even started. When things “slowed down” I was hit hard in the gut, heart, and soul with the raw emotions I had up to this point not had the opportunity to feel. When you receive the phone call that changes your entire life, and the kind voice at the other end tells you that you have cancer you seem to fall into a fast paced time warp. Each day blends in with the next, you somehow get out of bed, and go through all of the motions of the day, and make it to every appointment, but when your head hits the pillow that night you don’t remember much of the day. You have no choice but to fight and “just do it”. So that is exactly what you do. My current and biggest struggle now is feeling the emotions that are a part of this. Someone asked me the other day “have you even grieved your diagnosis”? I was not sure how to answer the question, and I didn’t. I cried instead. There are so many emotions that I working through it’s hard to put them into words. Anger, grief, sadness, confusion, and fear are only some of what I am feeling.

                I’ve been very proud of myself to push through each hard day and not miss a single day of work. To work 8 hours a day from my chemo chair, to show up dressed up with a smile when I was in so much pain and all I wanted to do was curl up and cry. I’ve learned recently that pushing through and continuing to work was nothing more than a personal feat. Last Friday was my last day at work.  I broke down and chose me, and my health. Although it has been very scary and challenging, I know with complete confidence I did the right thing. Right now, what is truly most important is my health. I needed to remove myself and allow myself to heal. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It has been very surprising to me how difficult it has been to not be working and focusing completely on my well-being. Our jobs do not make us who we are. They are simply what we do. During this time while I will be healing, I will be learning a lot of life lessons I will carry with me all the days of my life. The best way for me to explain how I am feeling at this time, is un-comfortable. I have always been a very dedicated and hard worker, working more than full time, and at many time having more than one job. Now, I get to focus all of me on getting better and healing. It’s scary and un easy, but I owe myself, and my family to ability for me to completely heal. I will do just that, heal. After I get through the remainder of this year, I will find another job. We all day it, but I truly mean it, a job is just a job. This is part of my plan, and the job I get following this will be exactly where I am meant to be.

                The next steps in my medical treatment begin tomorrow. We have always known that part of my treatment plan is having my ovaries removed. What we were not expecting was to have a total hysterectomy. In recent appointments it has been brought to our attention that with the suppression of my immune system, I am now at risk for cervical cancer. 2 weeks ago I had an abnormal pap. Tomorrow, I will have a colposcopy to determine the extent of the abnormality. There are certain types of abnormality or cancer that have clinically proven worse to remove than treat. After the colpo results come in, we will schedule my hysterectomy and ovary removal so long as it is a safe option. If not, we may need to travel down another treatment path before surgery. This was not something we were prepared for, and I’ve been very emotional about this. I try not to think of all the “what if’s” but this continues to challenge me. I have also been working through the emotions surrounding the hysterectomy. As I have mentioned previously, having a baby was never our plan. But being told at 29 years old that you will never have another baby is a hard pill to swallow. At 29, I should still have plenty of time to change my mind. To decide when I’m 35 that we want just one more baby. I have this overwhelming sense of pain, and hurt about this. On top of those feelings, I cannot help but feel as though I will not be a whole woman anymore. As women, we are supposed to have children. I will no longer be able to. I also feel as though I am failing my husband. He doesn’t “want” a baby, and we love our family, but if he ever woke up one day and decided he wanted to have a child of his own, I could never give that to him. This completely rips me apart in ways I cannot explain. For years I watched patients who struggled with infertility and hurt for them. As I could only imagine the pain they felt. This pain has become my own. Even though I know our family if perfect in every way imaginable, that my husband could never be disappointed in me, this is still a very real emotion I am struggling with at this time.

                There have been an endless number of blessings that have been brought to light in my journey so far.  Personal growth, my marriage, our family, friendships, and my faith. Sometimes when the sky is gray, rain falls fiercely, lightening flashed, and thunder rolls, it’s hard to see the beauty the rain brings. I’m slowly developing a new kind of vision to see the world in. Clearer than 20/20, and driven by faith. Each hard path I’ve been down, has led to the most beautiful things in my life. Although I may walk the path with muddy boots, I always come out in the most beautiful places.

I’ve been healing and taking care of myself the best I know how. I took 8 days off of work following my mastectomy, which by the way, is the longest stretch I’ve taken since having Tater almost 5 yrs ago! It felt great! And well, to be honest I didn’t have much of a choice! I am beyond thankful for my incredible husband who always takes such good care of me. In the weeks following surgery, we expanded as much as possible. My left breast, which is the one with cancer, is expanded to 650cc’s. We needed to expand as much as possible prior to radiation to allow my skin the best chance to effectively stretch and heal before beginning radiation. The whole process will really break down and damage my skin. We will expand the remaining 150cc’s at a much slower rate after radiation is complete. I know I know, how big are you going girl?! Well, for one, I had 38D breasts prior to surgery, and for 2 I told my plastics doc ” I am 29 years old with breast cancer, I’m getting some great big fake boobies out of this! After everything is done, I will have 800cc’s total in each breast. My right breast is currently only 450cc’s. This is to ensure our radonc could get the necessary angles for radiation. At first, I was pretty upset that my breasts would be such different sizes, but after a few days I myself have forgot they are not the same. Last week I went in to have my mapping done and receive my sexy 4 tiny black dot tattoos. Which by the way, do not hurt at all because they are done over my mastectomy site which has no feeling! Today, we went in for my simulation. Which, by that way was not fun. I laid on the treatment table for 45 minutes while they lined up the lasers to the 4 tattoos I got last week, took several measurements, and took several xray type images to program the machine for me to begin radiation tomorrow. The tech also drew lots of pretty green sharpie lines all over me to show me where the radiation will be and so help me know where to focus my skin care. Laying there for 45 minutes with my arms above my head post mastectomy was pretty painful. More than I was prepared for to be honest. But, one more thing crossed off our list. Tomorrow when we arrive, we will be able to walk in without checking in, change into a gown, sit down in the waiting room while they watch the cameras looking for me, then head back to the treatment room for 15 minutes of laying on the table as the machine radiates my left breast, and armpit. It should be pretty smooth sailing for the next 5 weeks. There are lot’s of fun side effects that come along with radiation. I have loaded the fun consent I had to sign for you to see. The most common are skin break down, burns, and fatigue. Oh joy, as if I am not tired enough from the chemo I still get every 3 weeks, something else to run me down 🙂 I have very quickly become accustomed to the old lady bedtime schedule! Before leaving today we went over what skin products to use to take care of the skin break down and burning, what deodorant is safe to use (most deodorants have metal in them which is not safe during radiation) and the fun fact that I cannot shave my left armpit because it will only cause worse skin break down. Fun stuff! Luckily, the radiation should kill a lot of the hair so hopefully there won’t be much for me to worry about! A couple of side notes, my hair is growing, my dead nails are finally less painful and growing, and I have figured out a few comfortable positions to sleep!! One step at a time, we are getting through this! We continue to grow through each day. Tomorrow is another big day, we have our surgery consult with our OB for having my ovaries removed. I’ll keep you updated. I am pretty fragile when it comes to this.

Holy pain. I was completely un prepared for the amount of pain I am currently in. After we met with our Rad-Onc last week he communicated with our plastic surgeon that we needed to get as much fluid in my left breast as we could and not put anymore fluid in my right breast. The reason we need to expand the left breast as much as we can is because radiation is extremely hard on your skin. The less expansion we need to do post radiation the better. Currently I have 650 cc’s in my left breast, and 450cc’s in my right. As uncomfortable as it is going to be for me to have different size breasts, it is the only way to ensure the correct angles for my Rad Onc to radiate my left breast and arm pit. Guess I may be learning the ol’ art of bra stuffing! Side note, check out how well my incisions are healing! I am healing well, and the scars are becoming less noticeable! We are scheduled to see our rad onc next Thursday and will have my CT and mapping done at that time. They will tattoo dots on my chest to mark where I will have my radiation each time. We will then go in for radiation everyday, 5 days a week for 5 weeks. The radiation itself should only take about 8 mins. I am hoping to be able to schedule my appointments over my lunch hours everyday. The drive to Sky Ridge, parking, walking in, and checking in should be the majority of the time involved. During this time, we will need to be sure to take the best care of my skin to prevent as much breaking down or burning as possible. I have heard many women’s experiences with radiation vary just as any step in this process. We are all so unique, you cannot assume your personal experience will be like anyone else’s in particular. I have consistently heard the fatigue is pretty rough. Stay tuned for updates on how radiation seems to be for me. Immediately following completion of radiation we will be back in with my plastic surgeon for him to see the damage the radiation has done to my left breast, expand my right breast, and complete the remaining 150cc’s of expansion in my left breast. The remaining fluid going into my left breast will be at a much slower rate as my skin will be damaged and fragile. I will keep my expanders in for a full year following the completion of my radiation before having reconstructive surgery and having my implants placed. Waiting a year allows my skin to heal to the best of its ability before reconstruction. I will say to you, the last expansion went so smooth, which if you think about it makes sense. My expanders, muscles, and skin had a lot of room. This time, we added 200cc’s to what was already feeling tight. The reason we added so much is I am going through a very accelerated expansion to ensure we have as much expansion on my radiated side before we start, and my rad onc needs to be start as soon as possible. The bottom line is, the radiation will always take priority to my reconstruction. We would have preferred to expand slower, and completely prior, but the urgency and important of starting radiation wins. The pain, is something I was completely not prepared for. I can barely take a breath, much less move much without crying. So. It’s time to take some medicine and let my 3 boys take care of me!

The phone call I received December 16th, 2015 completely turned my life upside down. A lot of scary, and painful, but along with that a whole lot of good. Weighing heavy on my heart recently has been the complete change in my view of life. Whether big or small, I see all things in a different light. All of the things that seemed so big have very quickly become small, and all of the things that took a ‘back seat’ have moved up front in a hurry. Before my diagnoses I took a lot for granted. This simplest of things. I hated my hair and how long it took to dry in the morning, or the fact that I could never get my hair to look perfect like in the magazine. Now, I am so stinking excited for the duck fuzz I’m growing! I won’t lie and say that I am completely comfortable in the skin I’m in, but I’m getting closer each day. Sunday, we road the Harley and I let my hair flow in the wind wild and free. I had a lot of emotions around that. I was completely  comfortable sitting across from my husband lost in conversation unaware of my very short hair until I would catch a stare. In that moment I would feel so small, and scared. I felt like I was completely out of place and should be at home where I am safe. When I would make eye contact I would think I wonder if they knew that I had cancer and everything I went through, they would look at me a little kinder, and maybe even shoot me a smile instead of looking at me like I had 12 heads. It made me realize a few things. One sure thing I want to confidently gain by the end of all of this is complete confidence in my overall being.  I know, I know, in all honesty what woman does? Whether a size 22, or a size 0 every single one of us has insecurities and fears in our bodies. I’ve gained 20 pounds from chemo, lost my hair, lost my breasts, and have gained plenty of battle wounds. Each day, gaining more confidence, but still have miles to go. I’ve mentioned before the desire to “just be” like my boys. No inhibitions, no fears, no worries in the world about what anyone thinks of their choice in cowboy boots, shorts, and a mismatched shirt, or their little pot bellies. You would think with the fight I’ve been fighting I would be there, but I’m not quiet. Yet. I am much more aware of how I treat other people, and make others feel. I make sure in my daily life, to shut down any judgement that begins to cross my mind. We all do it, intentional or not. We may look at someone a little sideways and wonder to ourselves why they chose their hairstyle,  their clothes, or did their makeup a certain way. But for me, while people sit across the restaurant and look me up and down and can so easily rip down my walls, I’ve found myself smiling at others more, and loving with an open heart. We are all so different and that is what is great.Beauty is not the same for everyone, but beauty is as diverse as each snowflake that falls from the sky. I love watching the snow fall and unless you catch a handful and look at each individual flake, they all look the same and light up the sky with the same beauty. I’ve also changed my perspective on what is important in life. In my realization of how fragile life is, how quickly it can be taken away, I’ve learned to pick my battles and look at the bigger picture. I’ve become much better focusing on what really matters. My prognosis is good, but I find myself making decisions and choices as if I could be gone next week. What are the things that will matter? What are the memories I want to leave the boys and my husband with? It’s not being stressed about making people happy that will never be,  or worrying about things I cannot control. I have learned the hard way lately how terrible people truly can be. I’ve cried a lot of tears and felt a lot of heartbreak. Wondering why people treat others so awful, why people hurt others on purpose? But, I’m all done worrying about others. I have realized there is nothing I control about how others act and the decisions they make. I can only hope to be a shining light and influence others when I can. “Someday everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.” My reasons for my diagnosis become more and more clear each day. I have goals a mile long, and I cannot wait to meet them all. I will be completely confident in my own skin ( + or – 20 pounds, hair or not, breasts or not, scars, rashes, blemishes or not), my heart and soul still shine the same no matter the appearance of my outsides, I will choose my battles, let go of what is not important, love freely, hold my head high, make memories for a lifetime, speak with gentle and kind words, forgive, and live each day not looking back.

We went to church yesterday morning, and as I sat there my ankles and feet were numb and I was having shooting pain at the same time. I looked at them and they were a little swollen, but nothing major. After church we drove up north to set up a surprise party for my grandpa’s birthday! As the day went on, my ankles got bigger, I developed a head ache, had shortness of breath, and just overall began not feeling well. I called my doctors office and was told to go to the emergency room. Apparently the E.R. is the happening place to be on a Sunday afternoon. The waiting room was packed! My sister and I sat in the waiting room for about a hour and a half before being seen. They took us back in the freezing room and covered me up in those nice warm blankets. The nurse tried several times to access my port, I even did the normal gymnastics we have to do when its clogged. I lifted my right arm up, turned my head to the left and coughed, no luck. She pushed a lot of saline, and still no luck in accessing it. She then moved on to my arm, which was not much easier either. After some time she was able to find a vein and start an IV. The doctor came in and said he was concerned with my symptoms of blood clots. So, our plan was to run D-Dimer blood work and if that was abnormal we would then have chest X-Ray, Leg ultrasound, and Chest CT. From what he explained, the D-Dimer blood work being abnormal indicated a clot issue. First on the list was an EKG and that was normal. Next was a leg ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was so kind and sweet. She scanned from my groin to my ankles on both legs. Results were normal. Next was chest X-Ray which was pretty easy except the last image I had to stand turned to the side and grab a bar that was a little difficult as I am still recovering my range of motion after my surgery. Last test was the chest CT with contrast. He waited for this test because he did not want to expose me to even more radiation if it was not warranted. At this time with my blood results, symptoms, and the normal tests we had already done, he felt it was time for me to have the CT. He said he was looking for clots, fluid, or the possibility of another mass which may be another cancer. When he said that to me, I immediately got sick to my stomach with nerves. As they wheeled me back for my CT the patient before me was being wheeled out of the room. He was being escorted by security. Drunk from a fun weekend and covered in blood. For a brief moment I wished I was there because I had been having so much fun, had been drinking, and ended up  making a bad decision. I’ve felt so frustrated for the past 7 months because I have had so little control over anything. It was my turn for CT. I slowly climbed onto the bed and laid back. They had me lift my arms above my head which was one of the most painful things I have felt yet. I am still very  much healing from my surgery, and I have not been close to lifting my arms above my head. I breathed through the pain, and began to shake. Once the scan was complete and I was back in my room I was almost in tears from the pain, so my nurse gave me some medicine to help. I was then able to close my eyes a little and rest while my mom sat by myside. These things, well all things that ever go wrong seem to always happen when my husband is at work. Blizzards, hail storms, sick kids, injured dogs, or issues with me usually happen on days when he is not home. I had talked to him several times throughout the day and always ended our call in tears. Tears because I miss him so much, he’s my strength and support, I would give anything to have him by my side, and tears because I felt s terrible that this was going on and he couldn’t be with me. I know he was worrying and I hate to make him worry when he’s at work and there is nothing he can do for me. The doctor finally came in with good news and bad news. Good news was that the CT was normal, bad news is that he did not have answers for my symptoms. He said it was important that I had come in, and that we need to follow up with my doctors the next day. My dad, step mom, and grandparents came at this time too. It’s a great feeling to know how loved and supported you are. Of course, my grandma had to give me some hell about slowing down, and letting my body heal. She is right and I know that, but I’m most certainly not good at resting or slowing down. It has been my top priority since diagnosis to continue my normal life to the best of my ability. I am a big believer in mind of matter, and that attitude can make all of the difference in the world. I have, to a fault kept my life as normal as possible. I do need to allow myself to rest more. I’m not super woman and sometimes pushing myself only hurts me and sets me back. It will be one of the harder things for me to do in this whole process. Kind of funny if you think about all of the painful and hard things I have done and still have ahead of me. Yet, resting and slowing down are the hardest for me. We finally got home and I threw up and then feel asleep on the couch. I think I threw up from the pain medicine they gave me. I do not do well with those medications. My sweet boys took such good care of me as I laid on the couch. I laid on Tate’s lap, as he kept kissing my head, and tickling my hair, and Lane kept rubbing my cheeks and covering me in kisses. They have such genuine hearts and love me with such passion. I’ve said a million times, but I’ll say it a million more. We can all learn so much from our children. I wish I could be so free, innocent, loving, have no inhibition, and just be happy. To be able to wake up and wear a pair of shorts with a shirt that doesn’t match, and cowboy boots on a 95 degree day with such confidence. My goal is to become more like my boys. They inspire me each day. We will be following up with my doctors to find answers this week. Do me a favor and watch a child whether it is yours or not, and try to become more like them. Open your hearts, lose your inhibitions, wear what makes you happy, be confident in everything you are, and just be genuinely to your bones happy.

Web MD, Google, and YouTube are all terrible sources to use when you are looking for medical information. I made the mistake of looking up videos on YouTube of what to expect today for my first expansion. Needless to say, I came across some videos and information that freaked me out. I woke up with almost certainty that I was going to throw up from my nerves. You’ll be happy to know that I didn’t throw up. Mostly because I already had my “war paint” on and I didn’t want to mess up my make up, because it’s still my security blanket. Something in this mess I can control. Which reminds me I need to buy another eye brow pencil before I have to go out in the world with no eye brows! There are days you would be pretty entertained watching me draw those babies on. I should figure out a way to share some “bloopers” with you just to make your day. Back on topic, we get to my appointment, the M.A. takes my vitals, then has me sit in the procedure chair for a while to let my heart rate calm down. Apparantly once again even though I had my smile and brave face on my heart rate doesn’t lie or hide my fear. My plastics doc comes in and makes sure everything is healing fine, and then we begin. They take a device that has a magnet in it and slide it over my breast to find the port. Once it’s found the doctor presses down to make in indentation on my skin to know where to place the needle. The needle going in is a weird sensation. I’m still numb, and will stay that way, so that is a blessing in this situation. The muscle “twinges” it what is painful. The needle has to go through the chest muscle and then into the expander. Once the needle is in, I only felt pressure increasing. At the time of surgery, he had put 250cc’s of saline in my expanders, and today we were able to put another 200cc’s in each, total of 450cc’s in each breast. We still have 350cc’s to go prior to the start of radiation. I am currently scheduled to go back 13 days from now for another 200cc’s. My plastics doc is going to be talking to my rad onc to see if we can push radiation out 2 weeks to that we can get the remaining 150cc’s in. It’s best to have the full amount of saline in before radiation to ensure the best results and give my skin the best chance of healing. Next steps right now are healing from expansion until the next plastics appointment, and we also meet with our Rad Onc Monday to make our plan and do my mapping. I’ll end with telling you that the expansion was no where near what I thought it was going to be. My husband pep talked me the whole way and reminded me how many hard and painful things I’ve “made it through and made it look easy”. Happy to tell you that this actually was easier than a lot of the things I have had to do the past 6 months. Plus, I’m starting to have a little something something under my dress now! Soon I’ll be able to wear my strapless dresses without worrying about them falling down!!

First of all, for any of my friends who are reading ‘Me Before You’ and have not finished, stop reading this blog post. Fair warning to avoid spoiling the ending for you! Yesterday, my husband came home from work, and I was able to be up, showered, medicated, and ready for our day together. For the first time since surgery, the pain was not taking my breath away, or making it very difficult to move. You know what that meant?! Date!!! We ran a bunch of errands we were needing to run I know, what kind of ‘date’ is that? Well, for me, for us, any time we have time together no matter what we are doing it’s so much fun. I’m even dorky enough to sing a lame song that goes a little something like ‘ running errands with my baaaayyyyybbbbbbyyyyyyy’. Why? Because it really is all of the little things in life. Since being diagnosed that is what my life has quickly become about. All of the little things. We stopped and ate lunch together before heading home, and by the time we got home, I was in a lot of pain from just simply running errands. I took some medication and laid on the couch for a 2 hour nap. Upon waking up I was SO excited for the date night we had planned together. Dinner and a movie. So simple, but I was nervous. Nervous that I wouldn’t make it through the night, that I would ruin our night together if I was unable to make it all the way through without having to go home and lay down and take more medication. But, guess what?! I did it! Made it through our date night!! Painful, and hard, but the best night with my husband and best friend. After our sushi dinner, we went to see “Me Before You’. I had just finished the book, and my husband promised to take me to the movie even though ‘chick flicks’ are very much not his thing. For those of you who don’t read, and haven’t seen the movie, the character in the movie was paralyzed in an accident, and it is a story of how his life has changed since. A specific line in the movie hit my heart and soul hard, and ended up created a long night of openness, and tears between my husband and I. The main character said “I loved my life, I really loved my life before this. This is not the life I want to live”. In the end of the story, he ends up opting to end his life as to him, the life he now had was not anything he had ever wanted. It was hard, and painful, and not anything he wanted. I wiped my tears and we began our walk to the car. It was cold and windy, and I had a dress on, which by the way, was so hard and painful to get on. I wanted to wear a dress, and get dressed up for date night with my husband. This was a pretty painful experience. Trying to pull on a dress over my healing mastectomy site brought tears to my eyes. But, I got into it! I was also able to cover my dead nails with nail polish and feel a little prettier. (Chemo has killed my nails, and they are not the ‘pretty’ nails I took for granted prior to all of this. I attached a picture to this to see what my dead nails look like  ) Back to the point, walking back to the car in the cold, I was shivering which was VERY painful. It makes sense. When you shiver, your muscles contract and oh my goodness did that kill me. By the time we got to the car, I was able to warm up and catch my breath as the pain started to subside. I was looking out the window when I began to fall apart. I started crying thinking about the book/movie and how the character felt. Although very different circumstances, I have felt sad and angry as he did. Each day I wake up with a full heart, and I am grateful for the day. As you have all heard me say a thousand times, I know this is my plan, my journey, and all of the wonderful things that come out of it. I believe in mind over matter, and being grateful for each little blessing. But, it is just as important to feel everything that you are feeling. To melt down and cry, be sad, and angry. The movie, and the pain I was feeling from a simple date night brought on a whirlwind of emotions and opened the door for many tears, honesty, vulnerability, and deep conversation with my husband. The perfect ending to our date night. I tried to put so many feelings into coherent words to help him understand what I feel but don’t really talk about. Why when I finally find true love, my very best friend, my soul mate, my puzzle piece does this happen to me? I am in so much physical, emotional, and mental pain. It’s not easy. None of it. I am healing each day, and so thankful. I’ve attached pictures below of post op day 1, and 2 weeks post op. I’m healing! I got clearance to start expanding next Friday, and I will continue to keep everyone updated with the progress. I think it’s important to share photos of this process, as there are many people who genuinely have no idea what this entails. I received text messages the day of surgery from friends congratulating me on my “new perky boobs”, and telling me ‘at least you wont have to wear a bra anymore’. I cried because that is absolutely not what this is all about. It takes a long painful road to get to that point. I knew then, that I needed to be brave and vulnerable and share photos of this process. I get stronger each day with my confidence in my new body, but last night when I fell apart in my husbands arms I cried. I cried and grieved losing my body. Losing my breasts. Losing my 29 year old body. It hurts, it’s not easy, and it’s not fair. We go places, and people stare at my port, or other women look me up and down and make me feel small. If only they knew the fight I was going through to just be here. I wish peoples hearts would be more true, open, accepting, and loving. We’ve all heard a million people talk about not judging another person until you’ve walked in their shoes, and this is the perfect example. For any stranger who does not know me, they don’t know my pain or what my day to day life is like. How could they? I have my make up, eye brows drawn on, my wig, and my clothes covering my scars. I can blend into the crowd with everyone else. I find myself observing people in a different way. I can’t help but look at people and wonder what their story is. What struggles they’ve had, what hardships they’ve overcome. I’ve become a much kinder, genuine, accepting woman already through this. I continued to cry and tell my husband that I would give anything to have the “problems” other people have. To have “normal” 29 year old woman problems. Anything. The truth is, as I told my husband last night, I am happy, and blesses, and thankful but I am heart broken and in so much pain everyday. It’s the hardest thing to explain, and I think I did the best I could through the gallons of tears I cried last night to help my husband understand how you can feel so blessed and thankful, but be in such an incredible amount of pain at the same time. It felt good to feel last night. To allow my husband vulnerably into my soul. We have a busy week ahead, I have a Muga scan tomorrow, chemo again Tuesday, and we start expansion Friday. Excited to keep moving forward and crossing things off of our list.

May 18th, 2016. One of the very hardest days I’ve conquered so far. The night before surgery, I was emotionally exhausted but un able to sleep. The nerves and fear I carried in my heart overpowered my exhaustion. I broke down and ended up taking something to help me sleep, then fell into my husbands arms, the most comfortable, loving, and safe place I’ve ever known. I slept for what felt like 5 minutes then the alarm went off for me to shower and prepare to head to the hospital. I lay there for a few minutes tight in my husbands arms, silent tears running down my cheeks and onto his arms. I wiped my eyes with shaking hands, took a deep breath and then began to check items off of my to do list prior to leaving. It was somewhat helpful to have so many things to do, to keep my mind and heart occupied with the tasks at hand and not let my mind wander. Dropping the boys off was an emotional experience I somewhat touched on in my last post, but it was one of the bigger moments of that day for us. The minute the boys woke, they knew it was momma’s big surgery day. I was greeted with such sweet words that came from each of them. “Morning my sweet sweet momma. You look beautiful!” was my greeting from Tate. “Morning momma, I dreamed about you last night. Today its big surgery day and the cancer we hate will be all gone. I know it’s going to hurt, but you are so tough.” my morning inspiration from Lane. We pull up to my person’s house and we all slowly and quietly walk in trying not to wake the whole house. When the time comes for me to hold my boys and kiss them ‘see you later’ I cannot possibly hold back my emotion. Something so strong pulled from my heart, and my insides. I squeezed them a little harder, and kissed them a little longer than usual. You don’t try to, but your mind seems to go to those ‘what if’ places. I wanted extra long kisses even if that meant letting my tears fall off my face onto theirs. After laying my head on my persons shoulder, wrapping our arms around each other, then making brief eye contact we left. In the  seconds I had eye contact with my person so many things were silently said. I love you, everything will be okay, I believe in you, thank you, I’m terrified, stay strong, thank you for caring for my boys while I’m at the hospital, thank you for being my best friend, and I’ll see you soon. So many things from a quick glance. My husband and I make our drive to the hospital, which consisted of him holding my hand tight, and uplifting powerful, loving, encouragement from my husband which continued all the way up until I cannot remember anything else from that day. After checking in we waited until it was time for me to go back. In that time, my grandparents arrived armed with hugs, kisses, and smiles, my momma prayed with me, and I found my courage and bravery while looking into my husbands eyes. Right before I left, I gave my wedding ring to my husband to hold and take care of while I was in surgery. This was an emotional moment for me. I don’t ever take my ring off, my reminder of the incredible vows my husband and I have promised each other for life. To take my ring off, and give to him for safe keeping was hard. After kissing him one more time, I walked down the hall and everything started moving really fast. Urine samples, IV’s being started, attempting to put on a paper surgical gown, pulling on sexy neon yellow surgical socks, arm bands, and finally a shot in my arm that burned like a giant bee sting. Then finally after what seemed like an eternity my husband came back with me. I mentioned this previously, but he just brings such strength, bravery, confidence, and calm to me. After a few moments it was a very fast moving in and out of the anesthesiologist, general surgeon, plastic surgeon, several nurses, and all of my family. My general surgeon, who is an absolutely phenominal woman came in to discuss everything, and also let us know that the MRI I had 2 days prior showed that after chemo the size of my tumor in my breast was smaller than a pea!!! What amazing news! All of the hell we went through with chemo was worth it!! My plastic surgeon discussed our plan, then asked me to stand up and take off my gown so that he could draw on my chest what he needed. Just another uncomfortable moment in this journey. Yes he’s a doctor, yes the nurse is a professional as well, but it just is not comfortable standing there naked and vulnerable in your new body. The new body you have developed from your journey so far. The scars, the weight gain, your scars from the chemo toxicity on your arms, and your bald head. You take a deep breath, put a smile on your face, drop your gown, and confidently make eye contact. After he drew what he needed and I re dressed it was time for my “good byes”. All the way to this point I was very silently hurting with a fast beating heart, sweaty palms, wandering mind, and a sick stomach. Now, I begin to cry. For so many reasons. Fear, nerves, excitement, grief, anxiety, anger, sadness, and joy. When we got to the operating room, my amazing, and I mean amazing team awaited me. As I cried, they soothed me with words of kindness, gentle touch, and my  general surgeon held my hand, wiped my tear from my cheek as tears fell down her cheek and across her smile. My next memory is briefly being awake enough in recovery to see my husbands smile, and hear his voice. I made it through the surgery, I did it, and now it’s onto forever in his arms, making memories with our family for the rest of what will be a long life. The absolutely stunning, beautiful, beyond talented Maribeth accompanied me and my family on this pivotal day to once again document for us with photos. These photo’s pull at my heart and bring many tears to my eyes and I am forever grateful to her for being able to document this for me and my family.