We went for spring family pictures this weekend, I took a deep breath, dug down deep for every once of courage, and took my wig off. I took it off to make sure we had pictures of this time in our lives to remember each moment, for myself to see the love of my family the same without my hair, to see my own beauty , courage, and strength, for other women going through this along with me, for women I’ve never met who are struggling with the hair loss, and for everyone to see there is more to a woman’s beauty than her hair, ❤ Deep breath, and JUMP! Here are a few for you to see, more to come soon ❤

Started struggling emotionally Sunday in anticipation for going in for round 5 today. I’ve said it before, and it never gets easier. My counts come up, my side effects subside for the most part, I start to feel good, and its time to willingly sit in the infusion chair and submit my body to hell. I cannot begin to describe the fear I feel leading up to the first drop of chemo going into my port. I want to continue feeling good, have energy, function somewhat normally,and get up and ready for work with less pain. As scary as it is though, I walk in today, no wig, smile on my face, hand in my husbands ready for another round of chemo to fight this cancer! We walk in and head straight to the scale to get my weight for my chemo dosing, not fun. We all see the movies where every “cancer patient” is skin and bones, I have sad news, NOT the case especially with Breast Cancer Patients! Then it’s into the infusion center and to my favorite spot by the window. I sit down and get comfortable, then the pain begins. My nurses always have a hard time accessing my port because its tilted and I’m “busty”. I breath through the pain of pushing, pulling, moving, and poking my port until we’re in and good to go. Labs are drawn and we wait. Our M.A. grabs us for our pre chemo appointment with my Oncologist. He walks in and greets me with ” well hello ‘weirdo’. I get this comment because I have truly had the weirdest side effects that seem to stump everyone. Among those this round, I have burns, rashes, bloody stools, and intense stomach pain. We’re not sure at this point what the rashes/burns are from exactly. Leaning towards my body having some sort of an allergic reaction to the Carboplatin. For now, our plan is for pre scheduled IV Fluid appointments on Day 4, and Day 7 for 2 reasons. 1, to try to prevent me ‘hitting a wall’ like I have the last 2 rounds, and 2, watch and diagnose the rashes/burns. This gives both myself and my husband relief. Round #5 down, now we sit and wait, and FIGHT! 

We had a wonderful weekend in Arizona leading up to today! Time together with my husband is always so much fun! We had a less than wonderful trip home though. We ended up having a blow out, and another flat after that which lead to a 20+ hour drive. I’m not entirely sure how Ty was able to drive that long, but so glad he did! Made it home at 3am and was able to get 3 hours of sleep before heading in today. This last round I had a really rough time with the GI issues, and ended up having to come in for fluids from dehydration. Prior to each chemo, I meet with my Oncologist to discuss how each round went and decide if we should change anything. To hopefully prevent the terrible GI side effects, we’re going to pull the Perjeta from this round of chemo. I’ve already had a lot of the med and the risks of the side effects at this point out weigh the benefit. If I still have the same side effects this round, we will add the Perjeta back in next time. Tomorrow we have an appointment with another Plastic Surgeon for a second opinion. I know it seems like my reconstruction is so far away, because well, lets be honest it is. But. My bi-lateral mastectomy is FAST approaching. Even though I have to have delayed reconstruction a year after radiation is complete, what decision we make for reconstruction will effect my mastectomy. We have several different options for reconstruction, and to be honest, I don’t have the slightest idea what I want. What I do know, is that I am 29 yrs old, and I want to first of all have my chart read “History of Breast Cancer”, I also know that I want to have great looking breasts afterwards. Some people don’t understand that, and to be honest, that’s okay. You don’t have to. This is my body, and whether you think it’s ridiculous or not, I want them. Another struggle that I’ve been working through is grieving my fertility. Even though having a baby was never something we really planned on doing, being told at 29 yrs old that you cannot have a child is really hard. Because my cancer is hormone receptive, a pregnancy would be very risky for my body. Part of my treatment plan is removing my ovaries after all of this to “shut down” my hormones to make sure we are not feeding my cancer and to prevent a reoccurrence. I’ve struggled more than I had anticipated with coming to terms that I will not be having any more children. I don’t really know how to explain the feeling. We have our 2 boys, and we love them and our family with all that we are, but grieving my fertility whether we were having another child or not, has been very difficult. Little things like people in our lives announcing their pregnancies, or being asked if we are going to have children, kind of hit hard and burn your insides. These are not things people do or say intentionally to hurt us, and you don’t even realize are going to hurt you until it happens. I am working on growing and accepting that this is my journey, my plan, and being happy with it. And I will. The next little bump I’ve been learning to work through is a little emotion I’ve named “Cancer Envy”. There have been several people in my life who have had cancer scares, or even been diagnosed, and I cannot help but be jealous sometimes. There have been times when someone has shared their cancer scare with me, and I am so jealous. Why couldn’t that of been me? Why couldn’t my breast biopsy be negative? Or, how wonderful would it be to only need radiation? I know that we each have our own paths, and God gives us what we can handle, and our plan is ours, that everything happens for a reason. But, I can’t help but wish someone else’s diagnoses was mine, or that I could have been given a little easier path. On the other hand, there are many people who feel the same of my diagnosis. They’re going through worse than me, and pushing through each day the same. Here’s the thing, cancer scare, diagnosis at any stage, or really any other struggle someone is facing is hard. You hear those cliché quotes, but they’re so true. “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes” “Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” The one sure fire thing I have developed is a bigger heart. I am much more patient, kind, loving, appreciative, forgiving, and genuine. I’ve said it before, but I will say it again, I cannot wait to see the woman I am to become at the end of this. Cancer changes you in so many ways, but a lot of the changes are for the better. I will be the best woman I can possibly be, and I cannot wait to come out on the other side of all of this. 

First, I want you to know, I’m still alive and kickin! I have not updated my journal since my last infusion! Time has quickly been flying by in some aspects, and time has crawled in others. We’ve been taking each day, a step at a time. Still have not missed a day of work! Whoop! Which surprises even me, as there have been some hard days! Each morning is filled with getting myself and the kids up and ready for work/school. Which as all of you parents know, is not as easy as you wish sometimes. I’ve learned to pick my battles lately. While trying to be able to just get out the door, I’m breaking up fights, or running to the bathroom, or laying down while I wait for the cramping or nausea to pass, so on days like that, if Tate wants fruit snacks for breakfast, well, that’s what is going to get. Pick your battles. PS- I let him have fruit snacks and a apple and a yogurt 😉 Not JUST fruit snacks. I will also say, I’ve grown to be comfortable in my wig lately, which is great! And ladies, let me tell you, it’s MUCH easier to throw your wig on when you walk out the door than have to dry, straighten or curl before leaving! I mean, I do have to wash it and style it once a week, but hey, who cares?! I’m thinking I am going to get it cut and probably throw some highlights in it to make it a little more like my hair and I might feel a little more comfortable. For most of us ladies, we look forward to going home and taking our bras off, but for me, I want to get home and take my hair off! I enjoy just being me. I feel so safe, loved, and secure at home without my wig. And, I’ve quickly learned the boys prefer me without hair actually. Tate especially enjoys rubbing my head. He grabs my face each night and tells me “you’re super beautiful momma”. A little something he seems to have picked up from Ty 🙂 Ty tells me I don’t know how many times a day that I’m beautiful and the boys must see what it means to me, so they do it too. I am one spoiled lady! Round # 2 seemed to go a little smoother with the side effects. I had less mouth sores, and did not break in a rash which was a relief. There were still the same side effects, but we are managing them better than we did the first round. I still have nausea, dry skin, dizziness, aches, pains, diarrhea, and vision changes. I did however start experiencing some new symptoms as well, numbness in my hands and feet, more headaches, this weird painful bruising/rash in my arm pits, and the fatigue was much worse. Which from what we have been told, the fatigue will continue to get worse with each round. For those of you whom are uncomfortable with talking GI symptoms scroll down. One of the hardest side effects through each round has been the diarrhea. I will typically have very painful cramping and nausea that go along with the GI issues everyday. I would say on a regular day after chemo, so days 2-10, I will have 30 or so bowel movements a day. Which is not only painful, it’s hard to plan around. Everywhere you go, you try to plan on where the restrooms are, what you eat, how long has it been since you used the restroom last, are the cramps too painful to walk/drive? And of course as if that wasn’t all enough, you are using the restroom so much your hind end is so sore, so painful, and sometimes you bleed. I know I know, how sexy am I? Well, guess what? Breast Cancer, or any Cancer really, is more than a Pink ribbon, it’s more than most people know. It is not pretty, or fun, but, you do not have to stop living your life. Each day counts. that’s the truth. You have to live each day, get up each day and keep going. You may have to breath through a lot of the pain, lay down a few times while you get ready, re-do your make up once or twice because you cried it all off while you looked at yourself in the mirror, but all of those things don’t matter at the end of the day. You get up, dress up, put on a smile, because your life is not over because you have cancer. You have a new outlook, a new strength, and a new appreciation of all the wonderful you already have each and every day. Yes, it’s hard, but I promise it’s worth it. You don’t stop your life, or stop doing the things you normally do, you may do them in a different way, or less frequently, but you keep up what you can. While looks, and beauty are not everything, they are a big thing to all of us ladies. One big struggle I am still learning, is to really get down to me, comfortable in my own skin, my own beauty, my soul, my very being. Each day gets easier, and I can only imagine the woman I will be at the end of this part of my journey. We passed the half way mark, which is a milestone! And although we are trying to take each step one at a time, there are a few upcoming milestones I am pretty emotionally struggling with. My last new-adjuvant chemo will be April 26th, approximately 3 weeks following the 26th I will have my double mastectomy. I’m excited to mark it off of our list, to remove my breasts and hopefully never have to deal with this again, but, I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of the surgery it’s self, the pain, how I will look afterwards, the scars, as a woman not having breast for a year, the emotional struggle, being comfortable as women in my new body. But, that step is not here yet, I cannot worry too much about it. When the time is here, we will take the bull by the horns and come out the other side happy and healthy and strong! How could I not succeed with the most incredible, and I mean incredible best friend and husband by me every single step of the way? With 2 amazing little boys who lift me up and give me strength I did not know I even had, and all of you. My family, and the few true friends I have are so important to me. Thank you all for every little thing you do for me and my family!!

Took some Zzzzzz Quil last night to avoid staying up with worry or fear. Night before Chemo, plus, the nights Ty is at the firehouse, is always harder. Just simply having him in the same room, his presence makes everything so much easier, his touch seems to make everything go away. My favorite thing to do is simply sitting on the couch in his arms. Anywho, thankful I slept to prepare for today. When I got undressed which has been pretty painful the past few weeks from my lymph surgery, and port, I stood in the mirror looking at scared body while I waited for the shower to warm. I was looking at my scar on my arm pit from the lymph biopsy, the 2 scars that are forming from the port placement, and my left breast which looks different with nipple inversion, and from the injections I’ve had for different reasons. I stared at myself thinking that this has all just begun and my body is already showing it. I started to cry in fear of how “damaged” my body is already starting to look. But it didn’t last long, as those feelings were quickly replaced by courage, hope, and well, I’m proud of me. My entire life feels like it has been turned upside down in the last month. Every scar I will have on my body from this will be “battle wounds” in my fight with my Breast Cancer. A war I didn’t enlist in to fight, but one I will fight with every single fiber of my being. I know I have quiet the journey ahead of me, but I know without a doubt I can do it. And I will. Proudly. I’m not going to wear shirts that cover my port to hide my scars. I’m proud of me, and my body, and everything I am going through. As I washed my hair I thought about the fact that in a short time, I will most likely have no hair. A quick panic around having no hair crossed my mind, but was very quickly replaced by thoughts of wearing big beautiful bows on my bald head, my really awesome wig that has prettier hair then I’ve ever grown on my own, funny images of some most likely terrible drawn in eye brows, and the woman I will be evolving into. I know I will always be me, and nothing will take that away, but I’ve already experienced personal growth in the beginning stages of all of this, I cannot imagine what’s to come for me. I’ll have a whole new beauty to embrace. Its almost 4:30pm and we just started the chemo that will cause my hair loss. Once I get through this one, and one more I’m home free. To what side effects, I’m not sure, but there are a few things I know I will be going home to. My incredible husband, 2 amazing little boys, 2 very cuddly puppies, and our beautiful home. Not sure what’s in store for tonight, tomorrow, or any days coming up, but, whatever it is, we’ve got this In. The. Bag. PS- all of my onco nurses, my onco doc, my surgeon, and Breast Cancer coordinators quietly laugh at me while I work from my chemo chair and while I tell them I plan to keep working full time. But. That’s my plan. I don’t want to sit at home and be sad, or sick, but I also am not stubborn enough to not let myself rest if I need it. I’m a planner to a fault, and right now, I can’t plan as there are so many unknowns. That is what’s killing me. Lots and lots of unknowns. Too bad there isn’t a cliff notes of Cancer with all of the answers without having to read through the book. Closest thing to that is my Megan. She’s my Cliff notes. Off to visit with my person and my hubby until this looooong 8 hr chemo day is over. Or, this part of the day is over, semi anxious for what home after chemo will be like, kind like when its time to take your baby home from the hospital. You’re kind of nervous because you won’t have any nurses to lean on for all the answers.